I learned the word "Wanderlust" from Joanna. Tumblr language, and I notice how much I feel for this feeling. How much I longed for an escape to a place that I can just run away and be free.
I want to do this. For myself.
Its what I wanted to do this for a long time. I longed for this in many years & I finally made it to the day that I get to go to a vacation alone.
I need to get away from my parents. Cause as much as I love them. I am fucking annoyed of em.
I need to pretend to be someone else. Be a tourist and be inspired to write.
But....I met someone recently. Everything was alright until I met him, he came into my life full of joy and effortless moments. Being with him was effortless, it wasnt forced and being planned.
Maha told me the best things come to NOT HAVING A PLAN. And apparently he is right.
I actually found something that I dont need to work on, I dont need to struggle with to get into a happy moment. Its just us.
His scent still on me. Everywhere I go, I see him around in my life revolving like a shadow.
Which is also bad. I had been alone for far too long, I depend on baby Joanna so much that I didnt realize that living without her is so important yes. But now that I found him, when he came into my life I realize that he is already part of my daily routine. Which is weird.
Which is bad again.
Now I cant leave for my vacation in peace. Cause part of me is in wanderlust and the other part tells me I cant leave him here, cause I wanna be by his side. Spending time with him.
Yes. Im worried. What happens when Im gone? Will anything change? Will his love for me fiddle away just as easily as how he fell for me?
I've been talking to Joanna, and what really hit me was when she said that maybe I should just back off and leave before I get hurt.
Its so easy to get hurt by something you know would hurt you eventually. So yeah. I guess she is right. Maybe its cause.
I AM NOT FUCKING BULLETPROOF.
I actually really fell for this shit. Like okay lets not call it shit because its one of the happiest things I had this year. Like exteremely happy in the sense that I can just smile everyday waking up happy and not intending to be NOT SAD.
Getting phone calls and text that would make you smile the whole entire day without fail.
Seeing the person you love just look at you like you're the only thing he sees.
So many things that I would he does for you that would mean the world to you.
Little things that didnt really mattered seem to huge.
The drive you guys have when you are together.
The effortless talks and acts you have when youre together.
Yeah. But then again. :) as much as I love you....
Its been awhile since I actually blogged. Since I actually wrote about something. Because time has hardly stood still for me recently.
I met someone.
It was an experience that I wondered, what if it is a cycle again? I had enough jinx for a year now. Do I really want to risk this again? All those broken promises. How can I love when I am afraid to fall?
Maybe by letting your guard down you'd think that everything would be okay, because all we needed was a leap of faith. A leap of faith that might've just backfire on you anytime and hit you hard enough that you'd want to die.
I am afraid.
Its true.
I can never deny that because what I went through before was so horrible that the thought of just ending a life would seem so effortless. But what happened was, a single glimpse couldve brought so much to you as to where you fall. One step. I guess. Made it all happen. I have a very good friend by my side that would be by my side no matter what. I would love her for a thousand years and more.
Nothing has ever compared to this friendship, because she was so important that I could give my life to her. Thats how much I trust her. However, I am selfish enough to feel that it isnt enough.
I met you.
You were liken to a risk. A risk that I wasnt willing to take, as I knew the last time I took the risk and let this guard down I would just fall again. Fall into torns and an emotional roller coaster. Its true when you say "How can you love? When youre afraid to even fall?"
Truth is, isnt it just easier to stay alone? So that no one can hurt you? So that no one can know your weakness and use it against you? But you showed me, sometimes its okay to take that risk. Eventhough I have to be honest, I am always afraid as much as I am with you, so as long I am being myself and I let my guard down. However, fear has constantly keep me reminded to be keeping a distant from you. FEAR.
Fear.
What is fear? Some say its a weakness, some say its a warning, some says when you sense fear in you. Its liken to an alarm, telling you that you are in trouble or you should stay away.
Do I feel fear? Yes.
You dont need to understand what I am writing about, these are deep thoughts. As usual, writing verbosely would be the perfect way to express without telling too much of what your main point might be.
Feelings for someone may develop quickly as conversation strikes, common interest are shared, intriguing topics that pulls two of you together. And then it comes to one point. UNDERSTANDING.
I had always been this person that easily let someone into my life because I was THAT friendly and that warm and fuzzy. But recently this year I've met with so many that has opened my eyes to how some can be such a snake. Ironic how your parents taught you while you grow up to not trust someone so easily. The common saying " Dont Simply Talk To Strangers".
But thats how you one thing leads to another right. You start off with a stranger.
With looking at the person as just a blank paper, you get to know this person by talking to them and slowly this blank paper would be filled with info that you may know and describe of the person.
What am I talking about? No you wont understand.
Its just that I feel like crying now. And telling myself. Maybe. I should just give up. Eventhough I would love you for a thousand years. Love you for a thousand more. I am still afraid. My heart is broken enough for me to realize I dont want it broken anymore.
I've been hooked to Switched at Birth pretty hard on lately. Reason being cause the main plot of the story is how two girls lives have been switched and one turned deaf. The deaf girl named Daphne was suppose to a rich girl named Bay. And Daphne has a deaf friend named Emmet.
Now the whole story revolves around these two girls, but I started getting really interested when a love between deaf boy Emmet and hearing Bay started to spark up. Seeing how they pull together two different worlds is amazing.
You know you might know this but deaf people may understand English in sign and reading but if they could hear, I mean if they would have gotten cochlea implants and would be able to hear. They wont understand what youre saying, because its a new found language to them.
So reading signs is one thing, they would have to learn how to read your lips. I would cry whenever I see Emmet trying to explain to Bay what he was talking about. And the best part? Bay wouldnt mind figuring out what he was saying, because she actually loves learning what Emmet teaches her.
This. Is what I truly want to experience. Love.
Unconditional love.
I was always fond of the deaf. Fascinated by their ways of living, I once saw a group actually a really big group of deaf people talking to each other. In the room of noisy people in their restaurant, they were the biggest but most silent group of place. Whats more interesting is that they were using sign to communicate and it was interesting. Its rude to stare but I couldnt help but to watch and observe.
I've always been interested in the deaf.
I've always researched about why deaf people usually come off mute. Because they cant hear themselves. Its the same if we put on our headphones and blast real loud and start singing along with the music, even any good singer would go off tune if you record yourself.
But these beings are different. They're incredible. Beautiful. Because they know of a world that is so amazing, that it makes you wander whats so great about us that could speak and hear.
tuning to: Comforting Sound by Mew
brought to you by,
Yours Truly
My Lambo has been used for really unproductive reasons. Like these following nonsense.
My cousin Jess and I.
Thats me and Andrew. After wrapping up our recordings for some covers.
I want to do this. For myself. 
